Anxiety.

K
I don't think there are many things I hate more than anxiety. Well, maybe cottage cheese. And onions. And mice. DEFINITELY clowns. But for sure I can tell you that I HATE anxiety. I hate what it does to my mind. And my stomach.

It cripples me. It makes me create scenarios in my head that aren't there, and THAT stresses me out.

Anxiety.

It's like....walking into a crowded room, and having everyone turn to look at you, and then start whispering to each other behind their hands. That's never happened, probably never will, but it MIGHT.

Anxiety.

When I started school three years ago, I almost didn't go the first day. I sat in my car forever trying to muster up the courage. I did go, but in the end I failed. Maybe I didn't *fail, but I've taken many a quarter off here and there, and now don't even want to go back.

It's wishing that you had a "best friend". Someone to do everything with, confide in. Someone who won't judge you, and say, "I'm here for you".

Anxiety.

It's not wanting to get close to anyone, because everyone you've ever gotten close to, leaves. Maybe they come back, but it's not the same. It's different. Sometimes different can be good. Most of the time, it's not. So you keep them at arm's length. Because if they *do leave, it won't hurt as much. 

It's sitting in the living room at night and wondering why your friends even hang out with you because you're so messed up in the head. 

It just gets worse as I get older. I hate it. 

Me.

.

taking him out in public. #notashamed

Big Time Rush and bacon at the fair with Diva.

My boy.

bored a little bit.

1. If you had $1,000 to donate to a charity, which would you choose?

Anything having to do with Autism. Duh.


2. Snow days: Do you welcome them happily or are they a pain in your butt?

Bloomington never has snow days! I wouldn't care if we did.


3. What talent did you wish you had and why?

Piano playing. I took lessons as a kid, but hated it.


4. Are you a news, politics or celebrity gossip junkie?

Celebrity gossip!! Hellooooooo!


5. What is your favorite "cocktail"? (Are you a beer person, a kiddie cocktail junkie, or perhaps your more the "Cosmo" kind?! Anything flies...doesn't hafta be alcoholic!)

Sex on the Beach. Mmmmmmm.

Don't pity me.

"I love your tattoo! What does it mean?"

Thanks! It's for Autism. I have a 10 yr old with Autism, and a 14yr old with Aspergers.

*head tilt* "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

Um? They aren't DEAD, they have a neurological disorder. It's fine.

MOST of the time I get the, "Oh wow, that's a handful!" Yes, yes it is.

Okay, I know sometimes it's hard to think of what to say to someone when they 'divulge' something like that, but "I'm sorry" is the last thing I want to hear. Don't pity me.

*I'm not sorry. Sure we have our bad days. Tantrums, hitting, screaming....but what kid doesn't?? Sometimes I'd rather deal with Jacob than with Emily! (pre-teen girls....shudder)

If dealing with Autism means that I deal with this....

...then I don't want to be pitied, I want to be envied.

Mistakes.

We all make them.

It's just the way life is.

No one is perfect.

We mess up.

We fall.

Sometimes it takes a while to realize our mistakes, and then even longer to admit to them, apologize for them, and ask for forgiveness.

Some of my mistakes are small. Some are big.

Sometimes I didn't even know I made mistakes until it was pointed out to me. At times I didn't care.

Sometimes I did.

I'm currently dealing with repercussions from mistakes I made about a year ago. Bad decisions. Decisions that suited ME. No one else. I thought I was being controlled. Instead, I was being cared about. I didn't see that at the time.

It took months for me to figure out that the decisions I was making weren't good for me, if I wanted to move forward with life.

It's hard to move forward though, when those bad decisions keep creeping back up. I'm not still making them, but I'm being reminded of them. Like, "Here's a bad choice that was made. When is it going to be made again?" Well, it's not. People CAN change.

When they do, trust that they're doing it for the right reasons. Not out of obligations, but because they want to. For me, it's the latter. I've spent enough time being selfish and doing stuff that *I wanted to do, without regard to others.

People screw up. It's part of life. But that doesn't mean that they'll continue to screw up in the future. And it really doesn't help when they're reminded of the things they did wrong forever. I'm not going to keep chastising Emily for shoving Jacob into the wall for months on end. It makes her feel bad. I don't want her to feel bad. I want her to know that even though she made a bad decision, all she can do is try to do better in the future.

Like all of us. We screw up, we learn to do better. Holding grudges is not what I do. If it were, trust me, you would know. I don't think ANYONE should hold a grudge. Unless you want an ulcer, or a heart attack or something. But I don't. I kind of like being wanted by my kids and my nieces and nephew.

So before you continue to be mad at someone for letting you down, think about all of the times that you have let someone else down.

Matthew 7:5 "You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye."

Or as I like to say, "Come back when you're perfect."

Everybody makes mistakes. Continuously reminding others of all the wrongs they have done, brings them down. Sometimes so far they can't climb back up. I dealt with that for YEARS. I was hearing about stuff that had happened 12 yrs prior, just to hurt me. It's awful. No one has the right to make others feel bad. Especially when it's done on purpose.

Life is too short to live in the past. It can't be changed or undone. Accept it, and move on.

What gives us the right?

What gives us the right to judge others?

"Your eyebrows need shaping."

"You have gray hairs."

"You're wearing THAT today??"

Would you go up to an obese person and inform them they're fat?

How about a person in a wheelchair? What would you say to them?

Pick up any magazine out there, and what do you see?

"30 minutes to a slimmer stomach!"

"Get arms to die for!"

Etc.

Not all, but most.

And we wonder why girls as young as 8 have eating disorders.

A friend once told me: "Who wants a girl you're afraid of breaking?"

True.

This?



Or this?



How about this?



Because what does it MATTER what a girls (or guys) body looks like?? Do they make you smile? Make you laugh? Take you to Twins games? (kidding. or not.)

If someone is beautiful on the inside, it'll shine through to the outside, no matter what the outside looks like.

I'm 37 years old.

Some days I have the insecurities of a 13 year old. I look in the mirror and want to smash it.

"You're fat." my brain says.

"You have big thighs."

"Look at those stretch marks!"

"My smile is crooked."

I've spent literally years being very unhappy with myself. I won't completely blame someone else for my low self esteem, but he played a huge part in it.

Telling me I was worthless.

Lazy.

Selfish.

A bitch.

Not deserving a night out because I didn't work. (staying home with 3 kids is easy. obviously.)

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

I wish I would have listened to that a LONG time ago. It's possible that I wouldn't be who I am now.

Strong.

Independent.

A fighter.



It takes a lot of positive self talk, and seeing that other person continue to fall apart after you've gone to make you see that it's actually NOT you. But rather, him.

I'm outgoing.

Caring.

Loving.

Funny.

I make a mean dipped cone.

And I can build a Lego house like nobody's business.

I'll kick your ass if I need to, but also tell you that I love you, because no one should ever go a day without hearing those words from someone.

I don't tell you this stuff to gain your pity. Just the opposite, in fact. I know there are tons of you who have felt like this too. Maybe you still do.

It wasn't too long ago that I would think to myself, "I'm in my THIRTIES. Shouldn't I be past this stuff by now?" Not necessarily. Just because you're older, doesn't mean you're going to like everything all the time. And not everyone is going to like you all of the time.

What matters is if you like yourself.



^ that's one of my eyebrows that needs shaping. Which I didn't realize affected your lives that much. #imsorry

There's a guy I know. We go out.

There's an age difference.

We've had our ups and downs. Sometimes more downs than I care to admit.

What matters the most though is who I am when I'm with him. I like that me.

I'm going to let go of the old Tina.

And embrace the new one.

Attitude change.

I feel good today. Apparently a night's sleep will do that. I didn't say a GOOD night's sleep. Just....sleep. I wake up all the time. I'm out of Trazodone, and melatonin just doesn't seem to keep me asleep. Anyway.

Jim and I were talking last night, and he goes, "We should run some races this summer." .... Um, I'm sorry? "we" should "run"? Huh. Somehow I don't think those words belong in the same sentence. Heh. So I was looking online today, and remembered that Katie Brady Sherry had posted something about the Electric Run. I looked it up, and MAN! That looks awesome! Glow crap is right up my alley! The kids and I get all decked out for the 4th when we go see fireworks. So I think I have him talked into that one. We're joining my cousin Lauren's team. We'll see how well this works. "Um, guys? Maybe put the camera down so you can run?" Hahahahaha. Sure.

I'll be stocking up on these as well:



Planning for Jacob's birthday party is in the works. Angry Birds cake, Chuck E Cheese, some friends...10 yrs old is a big deal!

Tiny Bubby.


I'm SO EXCITED for baseball to start!!



I don't have tickets for the opener, but you can bet I'll be getting some for later that week!!! I kind of have to. Because this guy:



is probably having Tina withdrawals. I mean, I'm jussayin.

And now, I'm off. To do what? I have no idea. Probably something involving Angry Birds and tiny minons. Peace out, homies. Unagi.

random thoughts.

My heart is so heavy tonight. I hate dropping the kids off, but I hate it even more when the grandparents are there. They don't actually WANT to spend time with the kids, they do it because they have to. He has no choice. I don't get why he doesn't work when they are with me. Maybe it's not possible, I don't know, but it sucks.

School is definitely taking a major backseat to other things right now. Maybe it shouldn't, but with work and kids, and trying to find an apt, I really think that those things are currently more important. School will always be there. My kids are only this age once, and need me right now. Finals are this week, and I'm pretty sure I won't pass either class. We'll see about A&P, but I know I'm going to bomb Algebra. That's why I'm going to take it again and kick ass.

I was so sad when Emily said that her dad hid her stuff. Where does he get off thinking that that's okay?!? Yes, she's 12. Does she NEED to sleep with a 'blankie'? Maybe not. However, with the crap that she's being put through right now, I hardly think that her snuggling with a blankie at night is cause for concern. I'm so tired of the anger, bitterness, and control that I'm continuing to deal with from him. ...deep breath...

My heart goes out to my aunt and uncle. My uncle just went on Hospice. Cancer. I hated it before, but I REALLY hate it now. Just when I have a pity party about my life, I realize I could have it MUCH worse.

The Twins are two games into Spring Training, and have lost them both. Good thing those don't count!

I made Lexi cry tonight. Put her on the couch with Jerrod so I could go get ready for bed. That wasn't pretty. #guilttrip

I'm hungry and craving pasta in a bad way. Perhaps I should make spaghetti one of these days.

Thus ends my stream of conciousness for now. Maybe I'll have more tomorrow. If you're lucky.

Goodbye, 2012.

Yet another year of emotional roller coasters. I can't remember the last time I have lived somewhere for at least a consecutive year. I have moved so many times lately it's ridiculous.

Anyway, the year started off normally. (whatever 'normal' is for us.) Went on vacation to Arizona with my dad in March.

The Hospital where I was born.

In the visitors dugout at Chase Field!! Home of the Diamondbacks!!

Came back, and was kicked out. We won't relive that, but the next few (okay, 6-7) months were complete hell. Again, no reliving needed, but just thinking about it makes me sad.

I know things happen for a reason. If I hadn't been kicked out in March, I probably wouldn't have had a chance to get in so many hours at work right away. I also wouldn't have developed the relationshp I have now. (Who, by the way, is the total opposite of my ex in every way. WHEW.)

I went to many Twins games.

And had random fun with the minons. All six of them.

I also started school again. It's going well. Even in math!!

I'm hoping that 2013 is better. Starting off a little rough, what with having to find a new place to love AGAIN, but I'm sure it'll all work out.