Welcome to my work in progress. A little rough around the edges, but hopefully will educate as well as provide some relief for those also going through the craziness of daily life with Autism. Hope you enjoy it :o)

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Attitude.

One thing I sure have had issues with in my life, is attitude. (Be quiet, dad) When something makes me mad, it makes me MAD. 

Like, I'll be pissy for days. And it's over everything. Things I have control over, things I don't, etc. 

When I went to the dr in April, he told me to start journaling, and list three positive things every day that happen. I did it once. I started again the other day though, because it was called to my attention that I've been really negative lately. Especially about not having my kids for Thanksgiving. And there was no reason to be. So, yes, I know I have accept the holiday schedule we have, I don't have to like it, but I don't have to complain about it either. 

I HATE not knowing what's going to happen with things. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love them, who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

That isn't a verse I really remember ever memorizing, but it's been in my head all day. 

It's getting easier to list the daily positives the more I write. I have a hard time giving things up to God. But I need to remember that it's HIS timeline I'm living on, not mine. 

So for those of you that get upset with me because I get bossy, or crabby, or think that things should happen my way, please be patient. I'm not doing it to upset you, or stop you from being happy. More than likely I don't even realize I'm doing it. 

I'm trying to live with a better attitude. Really. I am. 


Tuesday, September 29, 2015

It's a girlie soccer night!


Last night I went to Vannah's soccer game. Man those little kids are hilarious. I don't have much else to write, I'll just share the pics. 






Vannah is 22 with pink socks. 










Sunday, August 9, 2015

Changes

It's been just over two months since the big break up. I feel free. I can be myself. I'm happier. Didn't realize I wasn't that happy during the relationship until he mentioned I seemed that way. I mean, I knew I was unhappy a lot, but I loved him and would do anything for him. 

Enter New Boy. He came into my life when I needed a distraction from Old Boyfriend. We laugh. Talk baseball. Watch Disney movies. He's not a new boyfriend. He's a friend. But I'm pushing him away. 

Because I'm afraid of getting hurt. Again. Over and over. Again. 

One day I'll figure out how to have a relationship where I don't think I'm nothing.

"I'd like to give thanks to my exhusband for beating into my head everyday for years how worthless I am." 

I'm slowly getting over it though. He's still a bitter, angry, controlling man. 

I'm getting stronger. I made this pic my profile pic on Facebook. So much positive feedback. Made me feel awesome. Which we all know I am anyway!!! 


Baby steps. 



Wednesday, April 22, 2015

I don't even know what to call this.

Perusing the Internet, as I do every day, I ran across a link on Buzzfeed or something that really pissed me off. "19 of the ugliest celebrities" or something. Then I saw, "23 Sexiest celebrities with ugly significant others!" and "The Cutest Child Stars that grew up UGLY!!" Seriously?? And people wonder why everyone thinks that they have to be a size two, or tan, or whatever to be pretty?? 

I was curious, so I clicked on the first one and flipped through the pics. Lady Gaga, who I actually happen to think is really pretty. With or without her crazy get ups. (Which is partly why I think she rocks, btw) 

David Schwimmer. Um, really? Ross Gellar?? I'd take him over Joey any day. 

Sarah Jessica Parker. 

The list goes on. Some I haven't even heard of, most of them I don't even care. This is what is wrong with society. You can be the most amazing, outgoing, down to earth girl, but it seems like if you weigh even over 140 pounds, no one will THINK about dating them. I get it, looks do matter somewhat, I'm not gonna lie, but they're not everything. 

Personally, I'm going for sense of humor, likes sports, is a reader, lets me watch reality shows (Dancing With the Starts, anyone?), and is confident enough with themselves to treat me right. 

Teen and even preteen girls think they're fat and ugly. Most of them aren't even done growing into their bodies yet. We need this to stop. We need to teach our girls that it's okay to look how you want to look. People are goin to judge. They're going to whisper. They're going to point. OH WELL. 

I wear a bikini to the pool. I'm not actually sure why. Well, I mean, it's a Twins one, so yeah. I feel self conscious in it for about 30 seconds as I'm walking into the water. Then I hear shouts of, "Mom! Watch this!" and "Mom! Look at me not holding my nose!" and the ever popular, "Mo-om! Jacob's drinking the water again!!" I don't even care what I look like. Last summer, Jacob felt the stretch marks on my stomach and asked what they were. I told him they're my tiger stripes. Because I'm a mom, and he's my tiger cub. He looked at me weird and went back to playing. 

I just get really upset when I hear grown ass adults making fun of others. I grew up getting relentlessly teased by someone I called a "friend". She was the only girl my age that lived in my neighborhood, so what choice did I have? I never stood up for myself. I never did it back though either. It wasn't until we had a class together in high school and I heard people making fun of her "big nose" that I finally realized why she did it to me. She was self conscious of herself. We grew apart before we started high school, because we ran with different crowds. 

Our girls need to learn how to stand up for themselves. I'm not sure how, but we need to teach everyone, not just girls, that's it's okay to look how you look. Screw everyone else. 

Oh, and I was part of the "I need to be tan to be pretty" crowd, and ended up with skin cancer at age 38. White is the new tan!! Embrace it!!! 

Or be like Ross and go to a spray tan booth. Just make sure you count Mississippi-lessly. 

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Can't you just?

M"Can't you just focus on the positives?" 

If it were that simple, done. 

Having a chemical brain imbalance sucks. It requires meds. It requires therapy. And it requires a support group of people that have been there and know how it is. It's not being able to get out of bed in the morning. It's staying up too late at night, because you don't want the day to end knowing you'll have to face another day. 

It's walking into church and feeling like EVERYONE is staring at you and judging you. Even though they're not. 

It's knowing that you have a million things that you need to get done, and feeling so overwhelmed that you just can't start any of them. 

Mental illness. Such a stigma. Everything thinks that "if you just did this....", you'd be fine. Is that what people with diabetes is told? "If you just ate less sugar....." 

The body doesn't work that way, unfortunately. With diabetes, seizures, mental stuff, Autism, etc. There is no, "Can't you just" when it comes to things we can't control. 

In my experience, even meds, therapy, and any other method I try doesn't completely work. I've been on a new med for about 4-5 weeks now. In the past couple weeks I've noticed that it's getting worse before it gets better. Dr said that might happen. Wasn't totally prepared for it though. Giving it time to kick in is all I can do. That and not replying when I get a text from GS. 


On a totally unrelated topic..........

TOMORROW. 









Saturday, April 4, 2015

My baby is 12.

Times flies. Especially when you're a parent. One second your third child is a newborn, middle is 2 1/2, and your oldest is 4. Next thing you know, oldest is 16 and taking drivers ed, middle is talking about turning 15, and youngest is turning 12. 

Jacob, a month old


I labored with him all day. Woke up to contractions, and by the time my mom came over and (then) hubby got home, it was 8pm, and time to go to the hospital. We weren't there for long when I had to push him out. He came out blue and not breathing. Turns out his cord came out before he did, and he squashed it, which cut off his oxygen supply and he needed to be resuscitated. That was so scary. But God was watching over us, it seems. 

Bubby weighed 7lbs 15oz. He was a champion nurser. Only lost 1 or 2 ounces before we went home. At his one week check up he was up to 9 pounds!! Little piggie!! 

4 months old

I love his big bald head. 

7 months old, working on a cracker. 


I just can't believe he's growing up so fast. 

4 yrs old


Now. He's taller than I am. Only by an inch or so though!! And I miss them SO MUCH when they're not with me. 











Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Life lessons

Sometimes I feel like I know everything there is to know about relationships. Then other days I am blown away by how ignorant I can be about them. For a long time, I think I've been pretty selfish and uncaring when it comes to guys I'm with. 

All I thought about was myself. What *I wanted to watch. What *I wanted to. Or eat. Or whatever. 

I tried hard when I was married. I really did. Had dinner ready every night. Cleaned. Did dishes. Raised children. Somehow, that wasn't enough. 

I think a lot of what went wrong a lot was my negative attitude. I've been told that before, but the past few days have really opened my eyes. I can't let my guard down very easily. With all of the back and forth and off and on that some relationships have, that being in limbo really makes it hard to believe that I'm loved. So I put up walls. Unfortunately, that keeps people from really loving me because I expect it all to fail. 

I don't know that I'm as selfish as I was before though. I cook, clean, turn the tv to Cdiminal Minds, let the dog out, etc. Everybody has their days though. I know I slip up. 

I need to focus on 1 Corinthians 13. 

"Love keeps no record of wrongs." 

That's a huge fault of mine. I will bring up something from five years ago if I need to prove myself right. That's not a loving action. 

That's the one that really sticks out at me. If our goal is unconditional love (which actually only God has that for us), why do we treat our loved ones this way? Why do we think that we can say or do whatever we please just to make ourselves feel better? 

I am so guilty of that. Unfortunately it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I am going to try so hard to change that. 

I'm also very hard on myself. Mostly my looks. I don't know why it's so important to me. I don't choose friends based on how people look. So why would I assume that if I looked better, people would like me more?? I looked at myself in the mirror today. Like, REALLY looked. I saw someone who has a great smile, some gray hairs, stretch marks, awesome legs. I also looked inside myself and saw someone who loves her kids more than life itself. I have amazing friends, a boyfriend that is with me through everything, and a great family. I'm outgoing, I play with my kids at the park, I'm funny, athletic, and love baseball and reading. 

Negative thinking is a way of life, but it pushes people away. If I don't stop, I'll have no one. 

And I love life too much to be alone. 

Friday, February 20, 2015

When cancer strikes.

When I finally went to the dr in September for a sore on my forehead that wouldn't go away, I didn't think much of it. He did a biopsy, and weirdly enough, it went away. A few days later, however, he called to tell me that it was skin cancer. I was at work, and when I hung up, I immediately broke down. After all, just over a year and a half had passed since I said good bye to my Uncle Craig because of cancer. (No, mine wasn't deadly, but still. No one wants that diagnosis.) 

It was a simple procedure. The dr goes in, slices out a couple of layers, examines it under a microscope while I wait in the waiting room, and if it's still there, goes in again. And so on. Could take anywhere from 2-8 hours. Seriously?? That long to wait for a girl with anxiety? Not okay. 

Luckily for me, I have the bestest boyfriend in the world, and he took the day off to take me to the clinic, and sit with me for a few hours. After the initial cut, the dr only had to go back in once. When I was done, it looked cool!!! 


Everyone said it looked like a bullethole. (Seriously, it was awesome, haha) It was a long cut for him to stitch up, to lessen the scar.


Then he had to bandage it up, which I had to keep on for 24hrs before I could change it. 

It looked GREAT. 


Because it only took a few hours, Jim went into work for the afternoon, and I went to my brother's  house to nap off the anesthetic. THEN, over the course of the next few days, I got a black eye because everything was so close to it. 


The healing scar looked pretty cool though. 


It's been about 3 1/2 months since the surgery, and it looks pretty good. 



So now I have to get checked every six months to make sure there's nothing else. And lesson learned. No more tanning beds, and ALWAYS use sunscreen!!!!