Christmas emotions

I don’t know how the holidays are for you, but for me, they’re a roller coaster of emotions. I struggle with not being able to get my kids a lot of things, but also knowing that they don’t *need a lot. Some years I have Jacob on Christmas Eve, and some years on Christmas Day. (It alternates) 

I REALLY struggled this year. I don’t know why. On the outside, I’m smiling and laughing because I’m having a blast with my family, but on the inside, I’m falling apart. My heart is so broken with not being able to see or talk to Emmy. The smiles and laughter aren’t a facade, because I really do love hanging out with everyone, and playing with the kids. But pieces of me are missing, and it sucks. 

Depression and anxiety around the holidays are no joke. Just today, I’ve already experienced joy, sadness, nausea, insecurity, overwhelmed, happiness, depressed, anxious, heartbreak, love, jealousy, and exhaustion. 

I rarely sleep a full night. I think about once every 5 weeks or so, I get a decent night’s sleep. And by ‘decent’, I mean maybe 6-7 consecutive hours. I’m so tired. Every day is a mental battle. 

If you have a loved one in your life that struggles mentally, you may only know a tiny piece of it. 9 times out of 10, we don’t tell half of what we’re feeling. Who wants to be a burden?? And you can say “You’re not being a burden!” a million times, but we won’t believe it. Keep saying it though, because one of these days, we might start to believe it. We’ll ALWAYS say that we’re fine. Find a code word or phrase that you can say to each other if they’re having a rough day, need extra love, but can’t talk about it. Sometimes talking hurts too much. 

I did have a blast at my dad’s though. Cassie took a super long nap, and I held her for a lot of it. Juju wasn’t feeling well, so she was extra snuggly. We played the dice game and got gift cards. Ate a lot of good food. Laughed a lot. 

I realized after I took this that they’re sitting in age order.