Beauty isn't only skin deep.

First, y'all know that my thoughts are always all over the place. Bear with me. And good luck.

It's been a long time since I have been confident about anything. Most of it is lack of self esteem about my looks. Some of it is about my self worth. 

I spent 13 years married to someone who belittled me constantly. If there was a derogatory word he could call me, he did. My self worth went into the toilet. 

Over the course of the past few years, I've learned how to be more confident. Accepting of myself. I always thought that to be beautiful, you had to be skinny. 

People, beauty doesn't mean perfection. It's not always perfectly styled hair, or a made up face. 

It's not always a three piece suit. Or a fancy dress. 

"Beautiful" isn't just relegated to women. Men are too. 

Don't get me wrong, those things *are beautiful. However, once you take all of that away, what's left? The person. Is that person beautiful on the inside? Are they kind and caring to others? 

To me, beautiful is making me laugh. Beautiful is seeing my friends laughing with each other. It's hanging out with my family and seeing the love there.

It's watching my kids and my nieces and nephew play together.

I LOVE seeing people interact with Jacob. They don't have to. But man, if you've never had the pleasure of having a random conversation with Jacob, you are missing out! He is hilarious! 

To me, it's also about doing things for other people that you know will make them happy. 

Story time: 

I was mad at a boyfriend once. (He was probably breathing or something) We were arguing about where to go eat. Finally I snapped, "Just pick something. I don't even care anymore." We ended up at Southdale, and once I realized that Dave and Buster's was the destination, all crabbiness went away. We had a blast. Then he beat me at air hockey. And that's a different story. 

The 5 Love Languages. If you've never heard of them, they're ways to show someone you love them. (And even if said person isn't a significant other, you can still do these for others) 

If this isn't your thing, I understand. I think it's helpful to know how not to upset someone as well. 

There are quizzes online that let you know what your love language is. My primary one is Physical Touch. Tied for second is Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. (Receiving Gifts I got zero. Ha.)  Touch for me is so important that if I get physically pushed away, it hurts. I've read that you're most likely to exhibit yours to someone else, which is true. But I also find myself offering to do things for others; rides home, babysitting, etc. Which isn't high on my list, but again, it makes others happy. 

The point of all that ^^ is learning how to make others happy is 'beautiful'. It isn't so much fun when you're out with someone, and they keep walking away from you, when all you want is to spend time with them. 

Confidence really is everything. 

The two dating fiascos I've had in the past year were just that: fiascos. However, they both, in their own way, helped me to become more confident and see myself as worthy. 

I can't remember how many years ago it was, but I was very suicidal. Other than being in an abusive marriage, I don't remember why. I'm not sure I told anyone except for one person. He reminded me that if something happened, my kids would miss me, my niece and nephew would miss me, etc. 

Fast forward to today, and while I'm not where I want to be job wise or living situation wise, I have a place to live, a car to drive, kids to love on, and family and friends that love me. I can go to work knowing that if I'm having a bad day, someone there will be available for a hug or shoulder to cry on. (I've also found the right combination of medication that helps with that.) 

Beauty. I have wrinkles. Stretch marks. I don't have flawless skin. I can't take you out on expensive dates. I can't buy you nice things. 

What do I have? Me. I have enough love for everyone I know, and then some. I'll cook for you. (Spiral or regular mac and cheese? 😂) I'll play video games with you. Go to a baseball game and teach you the finer points of Brian Dozier...I mean, the specifics of baseball. Damn autocorrect. 

I'll snuggle with you under a blanket and let you vent to me. I'll bring you your favorite chocolate and soda if that's what you like. If not, I'll bring you organic crackers if that's your thing! 

These monkeys down below don't give a rat's behind what I look like. Although, I've been the subject of many makeovers thanks to them, soooo....... 🤔

I just realized I don't have many pictures of Josh and I together. But to be fair, he's always off and running with Nick. 💁🏼

"Let's go to the Twins game, they said. It'll be fun, they said." - Juju, probably. 

If you've ever watched "This Is Us", you know who Chrissy Metz is. (If you haven't, you should. It's amazing) I think she's gorgeous. Further proof that skinny doesn't always equal beautiful. 

Well, I think I've rambled on enough for tonight. I don't feel like I formed my thoughts well, but I have seen SO MANY teenage girls online so down on themselves because of how they look or don't look. Thank you, social media. 

First of all, girls, if you're reading this, you are teens. You have so many years to work on your looks and your confidence. You're kids. Enjoy being kids. Don't be in such a hurry to grow up. And ESPECIALLY don't be in a hurry to get a boyfriend. Don't let someone else be in charge of your happiness. 

If someone doesn't like you for who you are, just tell them this:

Seriously though. I know I'm all over the place tonight. Sorry. It just makes me mad that people are so dependent on others' opinions to feel good about themselves. Sometimes myself included, but rarely now. I used to be that way. It was ridiculous. 

Now it's time for me to make like tiny Juju and crash. ✌🏼️