Bentleyville time again!

Our third year going to see the lights! I feel so loved when Randy takes me to Duluth, at any time of year. I especially love Bentleyville and the lights. 

Christmas emotions

I don’t know how the holidays are for you, but for me, they’re a roller coaster of emotions. I struggle with not being able to get my kids a lot of things, but also knowing that they don’t *need a lot. Some years I have Jacob on Christmas Eve, and some years on Christmas Day. (It alternates) 

I REALLY struggled this year. I don’t know why. On the outside, I’m smiling and laughing because I’m having a blast with my family, but on the inside, I’m falling apart. My heart is so broken with not being able to see or talk to Emmy. The smiles and laughter aren’t a facade, because I really do love hanging out with everyone, and playing with the kids. But pieces of me are missing, and it sucks. 

Depression and anxiety around the holidays are no joke. Just today, I’ve already experienced joy, sadness, nausea, insecurity, overwhelmed, happiness, depressed, anxious, heartbreak, love, jealousy, and exhaustion. 

I rarely sleep a full night. I think about once every 5 weeks or so, I get a decent night’s sleep. And by ‘decent’, I mean maybe 6-7 consecutive hours. I’m so tired. Every day is a mental battle. 

If you have a loved one in your life that struggles mentally, you may only know a tiny piece of it. 9 times out of 10, we don’t tell half of what we’re feeling. Who wants to be a burden?? And you can say “You’re not being a burden!” a million times, but we won’t believe it. Keep saying it though, because one of these days, we might start to believe it. We’ll ALWAYS say that we’re fine. Find a code word or phrase that you can say to each other if they’re having a rough day, need extra love, but can’t talk about it. Sometimes talking hurts too much. 

I did have a blast at my dad’s though. Cassie took a super long nap, and I held her for a lot of it. Juju wasn’t feeling well, so she was extra snuggly. We played the dice game and got gift cards. Ate a lot of good food. Laughed a lot. 

I realized after I took this that they’re sitting in age order. 

Christmas, cookies, and chaos.

Kids and I got to celebrate Christmas early this year with my mom and Wayne. It was fun. The older Jacob gets, the better behaved he is while we have other things going on. 

After we went to lunch with the family, we headed to mom's house. I kept teasing Jacob about it, saying we were going to the mall instead. The kids were so wound up in the car, and Wayne finally said, "Are you sure you guys don't want to go to the mall??" Ha! I said maybe Wayne wanted to go to the mall!! We started out with presents. (Like we were gonna make the kids wait. Right.) 

Diva and Bubba passing them out. 

Jacob making himself at home. 

Grandma helping him with the tape. 

My gorgeous girlie. 

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse!! 

The new AC/DC cd!! 

2 Big Hero 6 books, a hair curler/straightener, Build a Bear gift card, Christmas socks. 

AC/DC cd, Minecraft book set, Christmas socks, Deadpool comic, trivia game. 

Jackpot!! Loved his toys. 

My new sleep shirt. Accurate. 

Me n Wayne snuggling on the couch after the chaos. 

Minions played and read for a while, then we dove into cookie making. Shape cookies!!! Best ever!! 

Playing Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the computer while playing with his new train.  

Before. 

After. Nom.  

This is my Sergio cookie. Because he has one arm. 

FYI, my mom makes the best peanut blossoms in the history of peanut blossoms. So don't even try to compete. You'll lose. 

All in all, fun day. We love going to Grandma's house to hang out. And we didn't even drive Wayne crazy.