I don't even know what to call this.

Perusing the Internet, as I do every day, I ran across a link on Buzzfeed or something that really pissed me off. "19 of the ugliest celebrities" or something. Then I saw, "23 Sexiest celebrities with ugly significant others!" and "The Cutest Child Stars that grew up UGLY!!" Seriously?? And people wonder why everyone thinks that they have to be a size two, or tan, or whatever to be pretty?? 

I was curious, so I clicked on the first one and flipped through the pics. Lady Gaga, who I actually happen to think is really pretty. With or without her crazy get ups. (Which is partly why I think she rocks, btw) 

David Schwimmer. Um, really? Ross Gellar?? I'd take him over Joey any day. 

Sarah Jessica Parker. 

The list goes on. Some I haven't even heard of, most of them I don't even care. This is what is wrong with society. You can be the most amazing, outgoing, down to earth girl, but it seems like if you weigh even over 140 pounds, no one will THINK about dating them. I get it, looks do matter somewhat, I'm not gonna lie, but they're not everything. 

Personally, I'm going for sense of humor, likes sports, is a reader, lets me watch reality shows (Dancing With the Starts, anyone?), and is confident enough with themselves to treat me right. 

Teen and even preteen girls think they're fat and ugly. Most of them aren't even done growing into their bodies yet. We need this to stop. We need to teach our girls that it's okay to look how you want to look. People are goin to judge. They're going to whisper. They're going to point. OH WELL. 

I wear a bikini to the pool. I'm not actually sure why. Well, I mean, it's a Twins one, so yeah. I feel self conscious in it for about 30 seconds as I'm walking into the water. Then I hear shouts of, "Mom! Watch this!" and "Mom! Look at me not holding my nose!" and the ever popular, "Mo-om! Jacob's drinking the water again!!" I don't even care what I look like. Last summer, Jacob felt the stretch marks on my stomach and asked what they were. I told him they're my tiger stripes. Because I'm a mom, and he's my tiger cub. He looked at me weird and went back to playing. 

I just get really upset when I hear grown ass adults making fun of others. I grew up getting relentlessly teased by someone I called a "friend". She was the only girl my age that lived in my neighborhood, so what choice did I have? I never stood up for myself. I never did it back though either. It wasn't until we had a class together in high school and I heard people making fun of her "big nose" that I finally realized why she did it to me. She was self conscious of herself. We grew apart before we started high school, because we ran with different crowds. 

Our girls need to learn how to stand up for themselves. I'm not sure how, but we need to teach everyone, not just girls, that's it's okay to look how you look. Screw everyone else. 

Oh, and I was part of the "I need to be tan to be pretty" crowd, and ended up with skin cancer at age 38. White is the new tan!! Embrace it!!! 

Or be like Ross and go to a spray tan booth. Just make sure you count Mississippi-lessly. 

Can't you just?

M"Can't you just focus on the positives?" 

If it were that simple, done. 

Having a chemical brain imbalance sucks. It requires meds. It requires therapy. And it requires a support group of people that have been there and know how it is. It's not being able to get out of bed in the morning. It's staying up too late at night, because you don't want the day to end knowing you'll have to face another day. 

It's walking into church and feeling like EVERYONE is staring at you and judging you. Even though they're not. 

It's knowing that you have a million things that you need to get done, and feeling so overwhelmed that you just can't start any of them. 

Mental illness. Such a stigma. Everything thinks that "if you just did this....", you'd be fine. Is that what people with diabetes is told? "If you just ate less sugar....." 

The body doesn't work that way, unfortunately. With diabetes, seizures, mental stuff, Autism, etc. There is no, "Can't you just" when it comes to things we can't control. 

In my experience, even meds, therapy, and any other method I try doesn't completely work. I've been on a new med for about 4-5 weeks now. In the past couple weeks I've noticed that it's getting worse before it gets better. Dr said that might happen. Wasn't totally prepared for it though. Giving it time to kick in is all I can do. That and not replying when I get a text from GS. 

On a totally unrelated topic..........

TOMORROW. 

My baby is 12.

Times flies. Especially when you're a parent. One second your third child is a newborn, middle is 2 1/2, and your oldest is 4. Next thing you know, oldest is 16 and taking drivers ed, middle is talking about turning 15, and youngest is turning 12. 

Jacob, a month old

I labored with him all day. Woke up to contractions, and by the time my mom came over and (then) hubby got home, it was 8pm, and time to go to the hospital. We weren't there for long when I had to push him out. He came out blue and not breathing. Turns out his cord came out before he did, and he squashed it, which cut off his oxygen supply and he needed to be resuscitated. That was so scary. But God was watching over us, it seems. 

Bubby weighed 7lbs 15oz. He was a champion nurser. Only lost 1 or 2 ounces before we went home. At his one week check up he was up to 9 pounds!! Little piggie!! 

4 months old

I love his big bald head. 

7 months old, working on a cracker. 

I just can't believe he's growing up so fast. 

4 yrs old

Now. He's taller than I am. Only by an inch or so though!! And I miss them SO MUCH when they're not with me. 

When cancer strikes.

When I finally went to the dr in September for a sore on my forehead that wouldn't go away, I didn't think much of it. He did a biopsy, and weirdly enough, it went away. A few days later, however, he called to tell me that it was skin cancer. I was at work, and when I hung up, I immediately broke down. After all, just over a year and a half had passed since I said good bye to my Uncle Craig because of cancer. (No, mine wasn't deadly, but still. No one wants that diagnosis.) 

It was a simple procedure. The dr goes in, slices out a couple of layers, examines it under a microscope while I wait in the waiting room, and if it's still there, goes in again. And so on. Could take anywhere from 2-8 hours. Seriously?? That long to wait for a girl with anxiety? Not okay. 

After the initial cut, the dr only had to go back in once. When I was done, it looked cool!!! 

Everyone said it looked like a bullethole. (Seriously, it was awesome, haha) It was a long cut for him to stitch up, to lessen the scar.

Then he had to bandage it up, which I had to keep on for 24hrs before I could change it. 

It looked GREAT. 

Because it only took a few hours, Jim went into work for the afternoon, and I went to my brother's  house to nap off the anesthetic. THEN, over the course of the next few days, I got a black eye because everything was so close to it. 

The healing scar looked pretty cool though. 

It's been about 3 1/2 months since the surgery, and it looks pretty good. 

So now I have to get checked every six months to make sure there's nothing else. And lesson learned. No more tanning beds, and ALWAYS use sunscreen!!!! 

Meeska, Mooska, Mickeeeyyyy MOUSE!!!

The funny thing about Autism is that you never know from one second to the next what the favorite will be. Jacob switches it up every month or so. Blue's Clues, Teletubbies, Toy Story, etc. 

Currently it's Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. He asked for a few play sets for Christmas, and he got them all!!! My mom bought him a couple. 

And the biggest one he wanted, I should have gotten it at the Disney Store, but I waited too long, and then it was gone. So I ordered it online, and paid extra shipping so it'd get here in time. 

Emily helped him put it together. 

He LOVED it. 

After I ordered it, I thought, "That kid better play the CRAP out of this!" (Because I spent a lot on it) 

Be careful what you wish for, because that Clubhouse went EVERYWHERE with us! Not that I mind, because he was so happy playing with it, and, let's be honest, it diffused tantrums. ;-)

Then he got money from my dad for Christmas, and picked out another one. This one also goes places with us!

He is the cutest boy. I love seeing him light up when he sees something he's passionate about. 

Christmas, cookies, and chaos.

Kids and I got to celebrate Christmas early this year with my mom and Wayne. It was fun. The older Jacob gets, the better behaved he is while we have other things going on. 

After we went to lunch with the family, we headed to mom's house. I kept teasing Jacob about it, saying we were going to the mall instead. The kids were so wound up in the car, and Wayne finally said, "Are you sure you guys don't want to go to the mall??" Ha! I said maybe Wayne wanted to go to the mall!! We started out with presents. (Like we were gonna make the kids wait. Right.) 

Diva and Bubba passing them out. 

Jacob making himself at home. 

Grandma helping him with the tape. 

My gorgeous girlie. 

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse!! 

The new AC/DC cd!! 

2 Big Hero 6 books, a hair curler/straightener, Build a Bear gift card, Christmas socks. 

AC/DC cd, Minecraft book set, Christmas socks, Deadpool comic, trivia game. 

Jackpot!! Loved his toys. 

My new sleep shirt. Accurate. 

Me n Wayne snuggling on the couch after the chaos. 

Minions played and read for a while, then we dove into cookie making. Shape cookies!!! Best ever!! 

Playing Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the computer while playing with his new train.  

Before. 

After. Nom.  

This is my Sergio cookie. Because he has one arm. 

FYI, my mom makes the best peanut blossoms in the history of peanut blossoms. So don't even try to compete. You'll lose. 

All in all, fun day. We love going to Grandma's house to hang out. And we didn't even drive Wayne crazy. 

Christmas memories.

"Awwww, man! Not AGAIN!" we both exclaimed while rolling our eyes. 

It was Christmas Eve. My brother and I were sitting with our parents listening to Christmas music while we got ready to open presents. It never failed, every year when Nat King Cole's "The Christmas Song" came on, my dad would start lip synching to it, with gusto. 

My parents divorced about 13 years ago. I was 26. It's weird the things you miss when they're no longer around. 

"DAD! We know this song is your favorite!" (On to John Denver and the Muppets) 

My mom was so funny. We'd get everything spread out, Jerrod and I would count gifts (duh, we had to have equal!) and start reaching for one. "No no, not that one!" my mom would say. "Open that other one first!" 

And for some reason, nothing was ever in the correct box. One year I remember opening a cordless phone and asking if that's really what it was. (It was)

And let's not forget the year that Jerrod was 3, and he was helping my mom wrap gifts. He came downstairs holding a box and said, "Daddy, this ones for you!" In true Dad fashion, he said, "What is it?" And without skipping a beat, Jerrod replied, "A belt." Gotta love preschoolers! 

Maybe he learned from that, because a while later, he came down and said, "Tina, I'm not telling you what this one is, but it has a lot of legs!" 

Anyone remember?? 

And there always seemed to be one gift that was forgotten, either hidden, or whatever. One year Jerrod got a calendar from my Dad. The following July. Thought, right? Ha. 

And the shape cookies. Oh boy. Love me some shape cookies! I know I have pics on Facebook of them, I'll dig them out eventually. We still make and decorate the shape cookies. Angels (one with a giant head, one with a tiny head), snowmen, and santas. One year, about three or four years ago, my mom decided to make different shapes, like a star, a tree, etc... That was the year that Jerrod and I had coronaries. #changeisbad 

For those of you that think Christmas is about getting the best gifts, or buying the biggest presents, let me tell you that of all the things I have ever gotten for gifts, I barely remember any of them. These things I'm thinking about? Memories. I'm 39 years old, and to this day, I can't listen to Nat King Cole without wiping away a happy tear from my eye. 

One year we were with my Dad's family, and my grandma dropped the pie on the floor. Granted, it was still in the box, but now we refer to it as French Spilt Pie. 

My grandma on my mom's side had ceramic NOEL letters on the fireplace. For as far back as I can remember, my dad would change them up to say LEON. Took my grandparents DAYS to notice! Now Jerrod has some letters, so of course we all take our turn moving those around now. 

 

I have never been able to spend tons on my kids, and this year is no different. But I hope that years from now, as they sit blogging in the Food Ave at Target about their memories, they'll have fond ones to look back on. Because really, what would Christmas be without family, music, laughter, and French Spilt Pie? 

Have a great holiday season, everyone. :-)