deep thoughts.

"Money doesn't buy happiness."

Profound thoughts from a 13 yr old. What *is happiness? I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I love baseball. The sounds, the sights, the smells....and sharing it with someone I love makes me so happy. Basically what it comes down to, is time spent. People need to stop focusing so much on what others do for them, and worry about what they're doing for others. You reap what you sow, right? Imagine if every one of us spent a whole day doing nothing but focusing on others. I bet not only would those other people be happy, but we'd feel pretty good too.

Unfortunately, my kids spend more time with their dad than they do with me. He buys them everything, and if he takes them places, it costs a fortune. Recently they've been asking why they can't spend more time with me. I assured them that this won't last forever. It made me feel good because not only do they have hardly anything here compared to at their dad's, it obviously doesn't matter to them.

I have been called selfish a few times in my life. Demanding. Insecure. etc. I think it's because that for me, spending time with someone lets me show them that I care. Even if we're only watching tv and eating pizza, it's a chance for me to be able to do stuff for that person. I can't ever pay people back for things they've done for me. All I can do is offer to babysit, or make dinner, or drive you somewhere. It's all I have.

"Money doesn't buy happiness."

People are too concerned with what someone else can do for them. If you're not focusing on someone else's happiness, then I can assure you that no one else is focusing on yours either.

I can't take you out to nice dinners. Or movies. Or baseball games. Hell, I can barely afford to buy you McDonald's. But what I can do is make you dinner, watch a movie on tv, spend time with you, and tell you that you're loved. Remember that when I ask if you want to go walk around the mall with me. It may sound boring, but it's all I have.

If that isn't enough, then I'm not the friend for you.

Anxiety.

K
I don't think there are many things I hate more than anxiety. Well, maybe cottage cheese. And onions. And mice. DEFINITELY clowns. But for sure I can tell you that I HATE anxiety. I hate what it does to my mind. And my stomach.

It cripples me. It makes me create scenarios in my head that aren't there, and THAT stresses me out.

Anxiety.

It's like....walking into a crowded room, and having everyone turn to look at you, and then start whispering to each other behind their hands. That's never happened, probably never will, but it MIGHT.

Anxiety.

When I started school three years ago, I almost didn't go the first day. I sat in my car forever trying to muster up the courage. I did go, but in the end I failed. Maybe I didn't *fail, but I've taken many a quarter off here and there, and now don't even want to go back.

It's wishing that you had a "best friend". Someone to do everything with, confide in. Someone who won't judge you, and say, "I'm here for you".

Anxiety.

It's not wanting to get close to anyone, because everyone you've ever gotten close to, leaves. Maybe they come back, but it's not the same. It's different. Sometimes different can be good. Most of the time, it's not. So you keep them at arm's length. Because if they *do leave, it won't hurt as much. 

It's sitting in the living room at night and wondering why your friends even hang out with you because you're so messed up in the head. 

It just gets worse as I get older. I hate it. 

Me.

.

taking him out in public. #notashamed

Big Time Rush and bacon at the fair with Diva.

My boy.

bored a little bit.

1. If you had $1,000 to donate to a charity, which would you choose?

Anything having to do with Autism. Duh.


2. Snow days: Do you welcome them happily or are they a pain in your butt?

Bloomington never has snow days! I wouldn't care if we did.


3. What talent did you wish you had and why?

Piano playing. I took lessons as a kid, but hated it.


4. Are you a news, politics or celebrity gossip junkie?

Celebrity gossip!! Hellooooooo!


5. What is your favorite "cocktail"? (Are you a beer person, a kiddie cocktail junkie, or perhaps your more the "Cosmo" kind?! Anything flies...doesn't hafta be alcoholic!)

Sex on the Beach. Mmmmmmm.

Don't pity me.

"I love your tattoo! What does it mean?"

Thanks! It's for Autism. I have a 10 yr old with Autism, and a 14yr old with Aspergers.

*head tilt* "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

Um? They aren't DEAD, they have a neurological disorder. It's fine.

MOST of the time I get the, "Oh wow, that's a handful!" Yes, yes it is.

Okay, I know sometimes it's hard to think of what to say to someone when they 'divulge' something like that, but "I'm sorry" is the last thing I want to hear. Don't pity me.

*I'm not sorry. Sure we have our bad days. Tantrums, hitting, screaming....but what kid doesn't?? Sometimes I'd rather deal with Jacob than with Emily! (pre-teen girls....shudder)

If dealing with Autism means that I deal with this....

...then I don't want to be pitied, I want to be envied.

Mistakes.

We all make them.

It's just the way life is.

No one is perfect.

We mess up.

We fall.

Sometimes it takes a while to realize our mistakes, and then even longer to admit to them, apologize for them, and ask for forgiveness.

Some of my mistakes are small. Some are big.

Sometimes I didn't even know I made mistakes until it was pointed out to me. At times I didn't care.

Sometimes I did.

I'm currently dealing with repercussions from mistakes I made about a year ago. Bad decisions. Decisions that suited ME. No one else. I thought I was being controlled. Instead, I was being cared about. I didn't see that at the time.

It took months for me to figure out that the decisions I was making weren't good for me, if I wanted to move forward with life.

It's hard to move forward though, when those bad decisions keep creeping back up. I'm not still making them, but I'm being reminded of them. Like, "Here's a bad choice that was made. When is it going to be made again?" Well, it's not. People CAN change.

When they do, trust that they're doing it for the right reasons. Not out of obligations, but because they want to. For me, it's the latter. I've spent enough time being selfish and doing stuff that *I wanted to do, without regard to others.

People screw up. It's part of life. But that doesn't mean that they'll continue to screw up in the future. And it really doesn't help when they're reminded of the things they did wrong forever. I'm not going to keep chastising Emily for shoving Jacob into the wall for months on end. It makes her feel bad. I don't want her to feel bad. I want her to know that even though she made a bad decision, all she can do is try to do better in the future.

Like all of us. We screw up, we learn to do better. Holding grudges is not what I do. If it were, trust me, you would know. I don't think ANYONE should hold a grudge. Unless you want an ulcer, or a heart attack or something. But I don't. I kind of like being wanted by my kids and my nieces and nephew.

So before you continue to be mad at someone for letting you down, think about all of the times that you have let someone else down.

Matthew 7:5 "You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye."

Or as I like to say, "Come back when you're perfect."

Everybody makes mistakes. Continuously reminding others of all the wrongs they have done, brings them down. Sometimes so far they can't climb back up. I dealt with that for YEARS. I was hearing about stuff that had happened 12 yrs prior, just to hurt me. It's awful. No one has the right to make others feel bad. Especially when it's done on purpose.

Life is too short to live in the past. It can't be changed or undone. Accept it, and move on.

What gives us the right?

What gives us the right to judge others?

"Your eyebrows need shaping."

"You have gray hairs."

"You're wearing THAT today??"

Would you go up to an obese person and inform them they're fat?

How about a person in a wheelchair? What would you say to them?

Pick up any magazine out there, and what do you see?

"30 minutes to a slimmer stomach!"

"Get arms to die for!"

Etc.

Not all, but most.

And we wonder why girls as young as 8 have eating disorders.

A friend once told me: "Who wants a girl you're afraid of breaking?"

True.

This?



Or this?



How about this?



Because what does it MATTER what a girls (or guys) body looks like?? Do they make you smile? Make you laugh? Take you to Twins games? (kidding. or not.)

If someone is beautiful on the inside, it'll shine through to the outside, no matter what the outside looks like.

I'm 37 years old.

Some days I have the insecurities of a 13 year old. I look in the mirror and want to smash it.

"You're fat." my brain says.

"You have big thighs."

"Look at those stretch marks!"

"My smile is crooked."

I've spent literally years being very unhappy with myself. I won't completely blame someone else for my low self esteem, but he played a huge part in it.

Telling me I was worthless.

Lazy.

Selfish.

A bitch.

Not deserving a night out because I didn't work. (staying home with 3 kids is easy. obviously.)

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

I wish I would have listened to that a LONG time ago. It's possible that I wouldn't be who I am now.

Strong.

Independent.

A fighter.



It takes a lot of positive self talk, and seeing that other person continue to fall apart after you've gone to make you see that it's actually NOT you. But rather, him.

I'm outgoing.

Caring.

Loving.

Funny.

I make a mean dipped cone.

And I can build a Lego house like nobody's business.

I'll kick your ass if I need to, but also tell you that I love you, because no one should ever go a day without hearing those words from someone.

I don't tell you this stuff to gain your pity. Just the opposite, in fact. I know there are tons of you who have felt like this too. Maybe you still do.

It wasn't too long ago that I would think to myself, "I'm in my THIRTIES. Shouldn't I be past this stuff by now?" Not necessarily. Just because you're older, doesn't mean you're going to like everything all the time. And not everyone is going to like you all of the time.

What matters is if you like yourself.



^ that's one of my eyebrows that needs shaping. Which I didn't realize affected your lives that much. #imsorry

There's a guy I know. We go out.

There's an age difference.

We've had our ups and downs. Sometimes more downs than I care to admit.

What matters the most though is who I am when I'm with him. I like that me.

I'm going to let go of the old Tina.

And embrace the new one.