Welcome to my work in progress. A little rough around the edges, but hopefully will educate as well as provide some relief for those also going through the craziness of daily life with Autism. Hope you enjoy it :o)

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Tina Chronicles. Part 1

I'm having a very difficult time coming up with a starting sentence for this post. What I'm going to start telling you is the story of how I became who I am today. Not only do I believe that God has our lives planned out for us, but I also believe that the choices we make (or don't make) along the way help shape our lives as well. 

I also couldn't decide where to start. My earliest memory? Jr high? (Which usually sucks for everyone.) Since my story largely focuses on self esteem and outside influences, I figure I'll start with that. 

I met her in 4th grade, V. She lived behind my family, diagonal across the alley. The first thing she said to me was, "You look like a boy." I did, with my boy clothes and short haircut. (Hey, I had lice in 2nd grade, my mom cut it after that!) But I didn't care. I was comfortable with it. V and I became the best of friends, and sometimes also the worst enemies. We would both want to do things our way while playing, and that would turn into fighting for a day, but was soon forgotten. Over the next couple of years, we did normal pre-teen things; go for walks, put on make up, watch MTV (yes, music videos, because 1987, people.) and just hang out. Around the end of 6th grade, she really started turning vicious towards me. Making fun of my clothes, my hair, my friends, and just about anything else she could find to tease me about. She had a big nose, and was made fun of relentlessly for that, however, *I never, ever teased her about it. She was projecting her insecurities onto me. I remember once we were lying out in the sun, (complete with baby oil and boombox, obviously) and she pointed out a few tiny little stretch marks on the top of my thigh. Laughed about it forever. I had never noticed them. But you can bet that from then on, I did. 

Once we got into jr high, we hung out less and less. She'd tell me that her friends were making fun of me, and of course it hurt. Looking back, I'm not sure they actually were. Maybe she was afraid that I would get close to them as well? I dunno. 

When we started high school, we never talked anymore. We had completely different groups of friends from each other. I think we were in 10th or 11th grade, and we had a class together. Even then, communication was scarce. It didn't bother me. We had grown apart as friends. We were acquaintances, if that. 

Her role in my life was over. But the hurtful way she treated me stuck with me for a LONG time. I'll never forget how I felt when she made fun of me. Made me change clothes and put on makeup if we went somewhere, so that I looked 'good'. That began the "I must not look good enough the way I am, so I'll have to change it." mentality. 

Once when we were seniors, she called me up and asked if I wanted to walk to the store with her to get cigarettes. For her, not me! I went, mainly because I was curious to see what that was about. The store was two blocks away, so when we got back, we sat on her front step chatting a little bit. She asked how I was doing, and she must have asked if I had a boyfriend. I said yes, his name is J, and we had been dating for a little over a year. And she was like, "Good for you!" And I think she meant it. 

I know that Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." But Eleanor must not have had the same person say the same negative things to her over and over for years until you finally think it MUST be true. 

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