All I thought about was myself. What *I wanted to watch. What *I wanted to. Or eat. Or whatever.
I tried hard when I was married. I really did. Had dinner ready every night. Cleaned. Did dishes. Raised children. Somehow, that wasn't enough.
I think a lot of what went wrong a lot was my negative attitude. I've been told that before, but the past few days have really opened my eyes. I can't let my guard down very easily. With all of the back and forth and off and on that some relationships have, that being in limbo really makes it hard to believe that I'm loved. So I put up walls. Unfortunately, that keeps people from really loving me because I expect it all to fail.
I don't know that I'm as selfish as I was before though. I cook, clean, turn the tv to Cdiminal Minds, let the dog out, etc. Everybody has their days though. I know I slip up.
I need to focus on 1 Corinthians 13.
"Love keeps no record of wrongs."
That's a huge fault of mine. I will bring up something from five years ago if I need to prove myself right. That's not a loving action.
That's the one that really sticks out at me. If our goal is unconditional love (which actually only God has that for us), why do we treat our loved ones this way? Why do we think that we can say or do whatever we please just to make ourselves feel better?
I am so guilty of that. Unfortunately it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I am going to try so hard to change that.
I'm also very hard on myself. Mostly my looks. I don't know why it's so important to me. I don't choose friends based on how people look. So why would I assume that if I looked better, people would like me more?? I looked at myself in the mirror today. Like, REALLY looked. I saw someone who has a great smile, some gray hairs, stretch marks, awesome legs. I also looked inside myself and saw someone who loves her kids more than life itself. I have amazing friends, a boyfriend that is with me through everything, and a great family. I'm outgoing, I play with my kids at the park, I'm funny, athletic, and love baseball and reading.
Negative thinking is a way of life, but it pushes people away. If I don't stop, I'll have no one.
And I love life too much to be alone.