This post probably isn't about Autism at all. If it is, it'll be a tiny bit. Maybe.
Why are relationships so difficult?
Do we make them that way, or is it just natural?
I think our past dating experiences sometimes make it difficult to be completely open with someone new. For me it does. I'm so nervous about saying the wrong thing, dressing the wrong way, watching the wrong shows.....etc.
I've had a couple major past relationships. In both of them I didn't feel like I could 100% be myself. I always felt like I had to act a certain way, or dress a certain way to please them, not me.
I'm currently in a relationship that I should be 100% happy in because I *don't feel that way. Yet somehow I keep trying to subconciously sabotage it. Like I'm expecting it to fail, because my past ones did. Stupid, huh?
I also grew up lying about stuff to anyone and everyone. Little things. I've even found myself hiding stuff recently, because I'm afraid of how someone will react. Hello, 37 yr old, we're not in High School anymore. Man up.
It's frustrating me, and it's frustrating him. It's like I say stuff to try and start a fight, but I don't really WANT a fight, yet I say it anyways.
I've never had someone care for me this much. It's scary, to be honest. But at the same time, it's awesome. I need to let go and let things happen.
I'm asking this of my friends: Help keep me accountable. It's a bad habit that I'm trying to break. If I can be open and let my guard down and know that I'm worth it, it'll be good for everyone involved. Thank you